this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
