girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
