He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm at about main and main street
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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