I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
