and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
And then my night got REAL pukey
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
