His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
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I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
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My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober