my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK