I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
