he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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