I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
