ugly people sure do ruin things
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
