i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
