I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
