She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
