I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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