How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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