he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
