he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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