3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
