I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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