dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
