There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
