you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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