I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
