Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Don't make out with my wife yet
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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