Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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