guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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