and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
