just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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