Apparently you make a good broom.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
