nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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