I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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