Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
