So drunk its hurt
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
