I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
She said her name was "party"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
