u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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