New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
