I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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