sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
