Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
