fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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