I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
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Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
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He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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