I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
