I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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