dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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