I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
