ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
