he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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