i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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