I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
not ubering you a puppy
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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