Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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