I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
