I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
