I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
