hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
