her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
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I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
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No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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