if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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