i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
