I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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