she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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