last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
