sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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