he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
