i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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