Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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