I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
